regarding egyptian dilemma

Submitted by Lina (United Kingdom), May 9, 2009 at 07:00

Hi there

Your story doesn't strike me as anything to be worried about as of now - that said, they never are at first - however there are some points that I'm not sure about:

First of all, the way in which you met. I'm sure there are plenty of successful relationships out there that started with email-based communication. However, most of the stories on here that ended sourly began like this. As a rule, Egyptians don't look for life partners via the internet, unless they are of the more modern branch. It would help, Just_Me, if you gave an idea as to the man's social background - his job, his education etc. Because from what I gather, he flashes the cash around quite a bit therefore I'm assuming he's not poor.

Of course you have an advantage as you are much younger than a lot of the women who have been scammed on here - older women are more likely to be scammed for money or green cards than younger ones, however don't ignore the warning signs & become totally oblivious. There are cases where the man targets the girl's mother VIA the daughter... I'm not inciting fear in you, but please be careful at such early stages.

Do you have a lot in common, or is it mainly looks-based (excuse my straight-talking lol)? Do you feel intoxicated by his "exotic" background or the fact that he lives so far away from you (fear of relationships that are close to home)?

The next issue is family: well, there could be a good reason why he didn't introduce you to his mother. You've only just met, and it's not usual for Muslim men to introduce casual girlfriends to their mothers - maybe if you become more serious, he will, but if he doesn't then yes that's something to be concerned about. Either way, bear in mind that just because he introduces you to his friends and family it doesn't mean he's entirely serious; even the women who have been burned to the ground met their man's parents (who were also in on the scam).

And then I'm mixed on you staying together. As a rule, unmarried couples do not cohabit with each other prior to marriage. I'm sure it happens but it's not condoned in Egypt. A lot of Egyptian men think, If she stays with me before marriage, who's to say she won't do the same with someone else? It's a VERY paranoid way of thinking, but regard that a lot of Egyptians have a vastly different mindset.

Ok, another issue that I have is with his disappearances. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I'm thinking that he is possibly married. At his age, most Egyptian men are already married - not ALL, of course not, but it is commonplace to be married young within certain communities. I don't know... I just don't buy the fruits story... a lot of the time, Egyptian men have wives in other cities, sometimes even children; that they check up on, and provide to. They don't always truly love them, but they are sort of religious marriages, with the bride usually approved of by the boy's mother. Muslim men are allowed up to 4 wives, although this isn't generally approved of.

In any case, you need to put things into perspective. Everything seems romantic at first, of course, but you do both have vastly different religious beliefs. You need to ask yourself whether you could see yourself with a Muslim man, in a Muslim lifestyle, and bringing up Muslim children. No matter how wonderful or kind the muslim man is, he will ALWAYS come first in marriage. And there will be times where you feel suffocated in this new way of life. All in all, it depends on who he is as a person. There are moderate muslims, there are strict ones, there are modern Egyptians, there are ones who are the total opposite. You are still very young to be considering all this; once you are married, Just_Me, you will be expected to give up on a lot of western habits, & I doubt you will be allowed to go clubbing, or have too many male friends (which isn't for everyone anyway), or even go out without a man. So you need to ask yourself whether you want to sacrifice all that before you go ahead.

I myself have known of many successful western-muslim marriages, where the children actually have balanced religious beliefs. However, the child may be confused at a certain stage, regarding religion. From my own experience, there is often pressure on the child... they feel torn between two cultures, they don't want either parent to feel like they're "rejecting" their heritage etc. The advantage is that the child will belong to two different cultures, which is always exciting. My mother married a Moroccan man, who is pretty moderate in his muslim beliefs, but she was still expected to adopt quite a huge area of islamic customs. That said, Moroccans are rather different to Egyptians, & somewhat more westernized due to French colonization etc.

Good luck either way, and follow your instincts, but please don't rush anything. You are too young to dive headfirst into marriage with an Egyptian muslim man. If you do get married, demand a dramatic Egyptian wedding lol, don't let him coerce you into an Orfi marriage.

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