anger subsided/ bafta award

Submitted by becreative (United Kingdom), Jun 14, 2009 at 14:12

I have had txt, phone calls -unindated with mesages of love , my heart, my life, i kill myself ,i cant live without you, im sick etc. I did in fact talk to him fri night ()But i was adamant i was going to stay strong. as i was still kicking myself yes .......i had the tears, the pain, why do i speak like i do too strong , i hurt him he was off work sick. , bad headach, bad stomach...... He could hardly talk, through the pain i suppose of not seeing any money,,.....his boss very angry with him, etc...
He didnt go to work Sat as too tired and felt sick, had doctor and medicine. ..

sat afternoon- he phone me his voice was so weak.......he could hardly speak, i could hear him puffing on a cigerette tho...i need sleep now , i dream of you my heart, my love my life.. later that evening he was out somewhere as in a car with his friend (just been to hospital for three hours) more medicine.. Wondering what this medicine does????????? i felt so drained i actually slept well.

.He was sent home today again sick(sun) txt me said that why do i not answer my phone do i not hear?? i hear perfectly im just not answering......but im hurting....I have same messages of love, pain. phew , he needs a grammy.
. i didnt feel sorry for him i felt sad.....sad he had to act this way because it wasnt helping him, i felt it was an act,.a pretty poor one at that, because one minute he was on deaths door next minute he was speaking quite normally.

He apologises again for the money - saying he wants me , only me not business etc etc
Is this until you submit after several attempts??? its very wearing to the point of sickening, i keep telling myself "you are just going to hurt yourself , take the food out of your families mouth " over and over i think these words -so i dont give in (my own therapy)

Not sure how i feel numb a little confused, empty , stupid, relieved............
I will probably get numerous calls, and texts. each saying the same stuff over and over like a record.
I feel like my heart is cold, i dont really like this feeling, because i am a warm hearted person, and i think this is where we trip ourselves up. We are open, and let people in too quickly.

Oh and i had the police one ..........if he doesnt get money soon or help the police will take him away....do i want that......do i... god maybe i do.....

thanks for all your support - the fact that flydfolly kicked me into reality again -i needed that , sometimes a stern word of advice is what is actually need. I think isis and luigi took a step back and let me make my own mind up eventually, but they knew inside..

Everyone else is is i suppose battling with various feelings of their own dilemmas, i wish you all luck but listen to the posters and take whatever advice is offered , even if you do not agree, as being forarmed is being for warned.

Some of us have had lucky escapes.
x

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