why relationships don't work, my thoughts

Submitted by Lina (United Kingdom), Jul 23, 2009 at 17:42

Well first of all, of course not all the relationships are doomed - but the ones that work out usually involve two level-headed, similar-minded people with similar upbringings, even despite being from different nationalities. However, usually the women whose relationships fail fall for men from a completely different background... either of a much lower class and education, or with a conservative muslim family. Fair enough, the man could be drop dead gorgeous, but beneath the surface there is nothing in common.

I'd say the biggest cause of failure is lack of education on both the man & the woman's part, & I'm talking about culture. The man has all these deep-rooted ideas about western women, that are hard to brush off. Actually, women can be the biggest gossips out of everyone when it comes to that... so the man treats the western woman like some kind of fruit machine, because no matter how much he begins to like her she'll always be too different. And then there's the western woman, who takes a vacation to north Africa and meets all these good-looking, seemingly modern men half her age (or maybe the same age) who pay her all this attention & seem really open-minded (which is a ploy). Usually the woman hasn't done her research - these men are friendly, they could charm the pants off Margaret Thatcher. And so they fall for the man, his words, his looks, and they actually forget that this isn't usually how muslim men meet their wives, & they don't understand their mentality.

That's another main problem - the superficiality. Most people will deny it, but the majority of these relationships are based on appearances, & not just physical, but what the man or woman represents. The man usually represents someone exotic, strong & mysterious who will take the woman away from her problems. And the western woman is the forbidden girl he dreamt about, & wants a taste of. Seriously, if some 20-year-old man approached a 45-year-old woman in the US & started telling her he loved her & liked her eyes etc. she'd probably brush him off as a naive, perverted young man. With north Africans they usually win the girl over, because it's far away from home & she can be whoever she wants to be.

Expectations is also a reason: from square one a lot of women seem to think that they'll be treated like queens by the muslim man... sometimes they are... but they also can't expect to be treated lke some sort of diva for the rest of the relationship. It's not the woman's fault really, these men have a way of making you think that the moon & stars revolve around you. But there are usually 2 roles for women in islam: if you want to be the beloved wife, you have to have his kids, raise them, recite the Quran, be loyal and pure etc. Now if you wanna be pampered 24/7, enjoy a wild sex and party life with the man & never dream of having kids - well then you're the "forbidden" girl. A lot of the time, the woman doesn't even believe in any God, which I agree shouldn't get in the way of love, but will the man be so romantic about it?

It's not always like that, but that's the majority. Relationships with muslim men aren't like regular ones a lot of the time, because the man is usually tied to both his family & his religion. His family and his God have high expectations of him, & he has to meet them. His whole life has been revolved around God, daily quran recitals, prayers, parents nagging etc., his upbringing will stick in his head for as long as he wants it to. Whereas with the average western guy (unless he's from an upper class or whatever) can do what he wants without worry.

Those are just the negative aspects, you can't forget that some of these relationships do work out, but usually they involve meeting in the westerners' country, or the man is educated, knows what he stands for (isn't confused & self-contradictory like a lot of the scammers on here), supports himself and has a modern family. Either that or he is a complete rebel (they do exist). They have things in common... the woman doesn't just start of getting misty-eyed at the sight of the black-haired stallion lol. Men don't like women who are easily impressed, they want a catch. I won't say that the women who are scammed are desperate or something, a lot of them are attractive, but usually there is something missing in their lives, let it show and those leeches milk it for all they can. It's best to show that you don't need anyone, & you won't be sacrificing anything unless he does. If he thinks you're a loose westerner, push it into his head that you're not, & if it still doesn't get through to him... it never will, because he's probably narrow-minded & set in his ways.

The best thing to do is not fall for looks and words. If a man or woman goes to the north Africa looking for a lover 99% of the time she will find one lol, that's the beauty of it, these men are easy. They're waiting in bazars, hotels, on boats & outside pyramids lol, armed with good looks & sweet words. They're the salesmen of love, disguised as decent young men, & is this NOT how THEY plan to meet their future, real wife.

That's another problem, the way they meet. Meetings are usually really random, like you're just talking in a bazar & then comes the old "I like you sweetie, here's my number", or even waiters serving drinks & then coming onto you. This is not the standard in Europe or the US, & a muslim family wouldn't dare allow this to happen to their daughters. Numbers are not exchanged like that, & even though it happens, even in the Gulf states, it's not something open like that. Even giving a man your contact info "loosens" you in their eyes. I think it's different when, like in Isis' case, you meet through friends or family and get to know each other through mutual interest... but most of these scam flings don't start that way.

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to muslim men or culture, but it's best to go for the creme de la creme, or at least someone who can support himself, hold an intelligent opinion (one that doesn't involve sex) or can at least read lol. It sounds snobby but women really need to ask yourselves, do you want an adult partner, or do you want to raise a grown-up son? A lot of the scammers on here are boys, and always will be. Women just need to know the difference between a muslim boy and a muslim man.

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