Amber

Submitted by Stephanie (United States), Dec 10, 2009 at 14:20

You know the worse thing about it is, the man I know he is here in the states We even talk about every week but, before, we talked every day and I swear going from talking every day to how it is now, it feels like nothing. He calls for himself, to make himself feel better and not for me. I feel I don't have that freedom to just pick up the phone when I need him. He's just not there so there is nothing for me in that kind of relationship. Once he is happy and content with what we have said or have spoken, if my phone cuts off, he won't call back not even to say goodbye. If he isn't done with what he has to say, he will call back several times until it is completed. I know he doesn't care aboutme or my mentality, only his. Although I will never ask him for anything or ever call him again because he has made it clear in his way, that this is the way he wants it. I assume he has finally gotten where he feels he doesn't need me as much emotionally. I mean how can he by what we have? Even though the times we talk he is loving, kind, and totally into me. He says his computer is broken, he doesn't have a cell phone yet, yadda yadda yadda.

You know I wanted to end everything on a good note so I sent him a peace offering before I disappear. It might seem silly, I had a phone I never used and I told him he could have it. I know he struggles but I think someday he will be okay. You know after 20 women, sleeping with them, he will find one he will marry and have three kids with. He will figure out his life. He always blamed me for coming here. When things didn't turn out the way he wanted, still he stayed here because he says he can't go home to all these people who told him what would happen before he left. If he had been kind to me I would never have gotten scared but he wasn't kind. Now he blames me for being stuck here. Yet what is funny is, my whole family won't speak to me, I am trying to build back my relationship with my husband that I was separated with, I listen every day to all the bad things being said about me and yet he is too prideful to go home to a family that will welcome him with open arms. Yeah maybe they will tell him I told you so, but, they still love him. My whole family won't even talk with me and he says he is in a bad situation. Anyway, I promised him a phone I'd had that I didn't use. I never go back on my word and I would have given it to a friend anyway easily so it's no big deal. I sent it to him last week knowing I was getting ready to cut him off, where he can't even call me. I can't even explain why, but maybe to say I still have a good heart even if he doesn't. I know he will never recognize me as a person like himself. I was just for his pleasure but at least I was never mean or unkind. I won't forgive how he was capable of lying to me. Do you know he was always accusing me of lying to him when I never was. When I figured out all the lies I realized why he was so scared I was lying to him. He said he did it because he was afraid he'd lose me but I swear honesty is the best way to go no matter how bad it may hurt. He just didn't want to lose me until he was strong enough to live without me. He had to control everything. I can't forgive someone that can coldbloodedly lie and it not hurt their heart. I can't forgive someone that only thinks of himself. Anyway, I've said too much.

I am changing phone services and it is at a point where I can cut off total communication without suffering too much emotionally any more. The few times we talk, to me are so few that I can live without him totally. I feel sad because I used to love him so much, I would have sacrificed my life for him. I am not usually this one to just give up but... Now he hasn't been around for so long that I am at a point where I don't trust a thing he says and I know he can't love me by only talking to me a few hours a week. He could be another Tiger Woods, how am I supposed to know? I also know my feelings are so weak for him even though it still hurts sometimes. I can carry on living without him and be happy. Maybe it was different with him and I was ecstatic but, I can be happy. I know I don't believe in him any more and I wouldn't risk any thing huge for a call once a week.

So during all that time, from the blowout back in May, to a few months we didn't talk, to now, he wants to see me, I've come to this point that I just shake my head because nothing is worth it any more and I just remember walking with him in Egypt and how he'd look at me and smile and I swear there was love. I don't know why I risked what I did. So please be careful Amber and forgive me for warning you too many times. It's just really a shock when it happens....and at least I didn't lose anything big like financially... but my stupid heart. I can't believe it still hurts sometimes when I think I am strong:)

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