its like smallpox -- beware of their charming ways!

Submitted by Marianna (United States), Dec 15, 2009 at 11:34

Dear readers,

Your forum was a big comfort to me today. I've been involved with a Turkish man for about 3 years. I'm educated and very self sufficient. Now, I'm amazed by some of the things that I did in this relationship.

At first, he seemed so innocent and his heart seemed so pure. I'm older by 9 years and was married before, which I told him at the beginning. So really at first, I never thought he would become my boyfriend. I just liked hearing the stories about his village. I see so many things around me in American culture that I wish were not so modern, like advertising and fast food, video games, porn, etc. So I loved hearing about living in a tent with the animals on the other side of the wall, and about his mother waking up early to bake flat bread in a special oven. It was like bait to a fish, it totally charmed me.

He had very few girlfriends, and the stories he told about his family it seemed like he valued marriage and commitment. I swore to myself I would wait a long time before any serious romantic relationship, but he was so aggressive. Since he was just more passionate than guys from my culture, I allowed myself to believe it was because he loved *me* so much, so powerfully and sincerely. He said such romantic things, like poetry, so convincing. I was his princess, so beautiful and special. I moved in with him. I never made him prove his love to me, so he never proved it to himself either. I was so strong and independent I didn't realize how much he could hurt me. I thought he was my one true love. His jealousy closed my eyes to my independence.

He started invading my privacy and again, I thought it was because he loved me so much. I always felt so guilty and so ashamed for not being a virgin for him. It made me into a slave in the relationship. He read my emails, spied on what websites I browsed. When I tried to make new friends, they were gaga over his looks because he is very handsome. Then, he cheated on me. He said that it was because he felt stupid, having less experience than me, but that it could not happen again. Still, it did not convince me to leave him. Eventually, all the signs of love were gone. He would break up with me and then the next day, make up again. I felt so stupid in front of all my friends and the community. But, I left him. After I left, now he tries to get me to sleep with him. He texts me all the time, things like that the flowers are jealous of my beauty.

But I've learned something. This way of expressing, it doesn't tell me the difference between love and lust. It was not done in the community I was raised in, this intense possessiveness. So I think it's like smallpox, where I had no natural immunity. I'm looking on the bright side, that this is a chance for me to learn to not give my trust too easily. I'm getting better at setting boundaries in other areas of my life too. Now, I am looking only for a husband, not a boyfriend, to create that feeling of family.

Wish you all the best, ladies and gentlemen alike!

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