My Egyptian lover...not a user, but incredibly selfish

Submitted by amy (United States), May 4, 2010 at 20:40

Please be very very careful. Egyptian men aren't all opportunists and liars, it's true. They aren't all out for your green card, but the culture differences and attitudes about women are very different from the west. My Egyptian lover was very selfish, childish, using, sex-obsessed and it wasn't that he was dismissive of my feelings--he didn't even get that I should have any! I had an affair with him in Venice. He's the most stunning man I'd ever seen, and our affair was the most passionate I've ever had. He wasn't using me for a green card or to come to the US. He WAS using me for sex. Sometimes he'd be just beautiful to me, but others, I felt like an object...I was just there as a peace of meat

He was extremely immature. If I wasn't in the mood or didn't do what he wanted sexually, he would pout and throw a hissy fit and threaten to "break up." That didn't work with me---I'd just laugh at him and tell him he was being ridiculous. He couldn't control me, but I think that attracted him--my being free and defiant and openly sexual. In Venice, I saw him for almost three months. He never led me to believe it was anything but sex. Never told me lies like he loved me or that we had a future, which I actually appreciated--that he wasn't conning me. The last night I was there, he typically stood me up because he was incredibly irresponsible and rude. He did what HE wanted to do. Never mind what I felt. I used to tell him, "You're not the only person in this relationship." But I don't think he ever really got it. It really hurt that here, he would never see me again, but he didn't even care enough to say goodbye! I was livid, left him about ten blistering voicemails, cried, then forgot him.

BUT THEN he re-contacted me after I came back to the US via the internet, and I couldn't resist him. Suddenly he was acting like a boyfriend. Obsessing on me day and night, calling, messaging, texting me for hours on end, saying I was his only girl, which I believed because he was CONSTANTLY on line with me---he had no time for anyone else. He asked me to come to Amsterdam, where he now lived. He told me I had his heart, that he liked me a lot, that I was his most beautiful girl and the only girl. He NEVER talked this way in Venice, never led me on like this. There was no motive for him to lead me on--he wasn't using me for anything but the sex, which he already was having. So I started to think he actually liked me. In Venice, he didn't care if I was with other guys. Now, he was jealous and controlling. If I didn't respond to him right away, he'd accuse me of being with another guy. A lot of times I felt like I was just body parts to him. He would order me around on the video screen---do this, do that, turn this way, turn that way--like I was a piece of meat! When he did that, I cut him off and he honestly didn't get WHY. I'd say--NOBODY tells me what to do and I am not a ho! He'd say, no, you are not a whore, you are my love, and I understand. It actually started to feel like we were having a relationship and making some cultural progress. He was beginning to understand why I didn't like the way he was treating me.

But then, after six weeks of daily, non-stop contact, I noticed he was wearing a ring. He had gotten engaged to a nice, pure Islamic girl. He can't touch her until marriage, so of course, he's spending every spare minute with me, his glorified cyber puttana! He obviously doesn't care much about her---he's already cheating on her with me! He wasn't going to tell me. When I asked, he was honest. But it didn't OCCUR to him that it might bother me. He has both me and his fiance compartmentalized. I'm the one he loves (as much as he can love, anyway). She's the one he's going to marry and have kids with. It hurts like hell and I was heartbroken. He said he was heartbroken too, because we'll never be together again. But he couldn't marry me. I'm much older, a foreigner, and loose moralled! And NO WAY would I fit in his culture.I think in his limited fashion, he did have some feelings for me. But here is the point I need to make. No, they are not all liars and opportunists. They are not all out for your green card. But it is not in his DNA to consider the woman's feelings. He was the most selfish, self-centered human being I have ever met. He was immature, childish, spoiled, bratty, using, bully, emotionally blackmailing (or tried to be ---he didn't succeed!) and completely oblivious to my feelings or why they should matter. He could be very charming and sweet, but it was all about HIM and what he wanted. I didn't count outside of bed, sometimes not even then.

I am not saying all Egyptian men are like this, but it is very common: they fool around with us "immoral" foreign women, then marry virgins, whom they will probably cheat on. Again, I'm not judging all Egyptian men, but there is a breed. Very using, very opportunistic, very spoiled, from a sexually repressive culture so they're sex-obsessed. But they are missing an essential empathy for women. I don't envy his wife. I think he's going to be really controlling. So please be careful!

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