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Most insightful comment I've seen hereReader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men Submitted by Struck by a smart comment (United States), Jul 4, 2010 at 01:10 "Some women will do anything for a man even if they have only half of a man" I don't know anything about Farrah or her personal situation, but I hope that all women on this forum read that comment. "Some women will do anything for a man even if they have only half of a man." This forum has some helpful information on warning signs that a man might be a potential scammer. Some of the comments generalize past the point of being useful, but there are some clear warning signs that someone could learn about, hopefully before they get hurt, by reading this forum. Asking for money. Pursuing a serious relationship too quickly. Being too informed about the immigration process. Pursuing a significantly older woman or a woman who is otherwise mismatched. Hiding you from his family and friends. Or the opposite, introducing you to his family too quickly and they accept you too readily despite differences in your backgrounds. Claiming he isn't interested in kids. Etc. That's not to say that there aren't some honest North African or Middle Eastern men out there who don't want kids or who have a distant relationship with their family or who are open-minded about age and virginity. And that's not to say that a man who exhibits none of the classic warning signs is genuine, there are no guarantees in life. Overall, though, if an adult woman chooses to take a risk by entering an international relationship, I support the idea that she first educate herself about cultural norms and a potential profile of a scammer. With that said, I don't think the profiling should stop with warning signs about the man. I have seen time and time again that the American women who get scammed by foreign men often match a profile of their own. It's not just about divorces, children, age, or weight. It's about self-esteem and self-respect. Her ability or willingness to sustain a fantasy. Her reluctance to investigate and be critical before being trusting. Far too many women are willing to put up with or make excuses for badly behaving men. This is hardly limited to women in international relationships, of course, but here the stakes are higher because of immigration and legal ramifications of getting married in a foreign country. Also, being with a foreign man gives some women an easy excuse to explain away all bad behavior as being a cultural difference, when in fact certain things are just plain red flags, period. I don't intend my post as an attack on the women or as putting blame on them. I'm sure that there have been a few instances where a strong, confident woman entered a relationship with her eyes wide open, conducted an investigation as best as she could, and was still scammed by a particularly dedicated and skilled con artist. However, I think that in the overwhelmingly vast majority of situations the foreign guy is not actually that dedicated or talented; rather, half the equation is that the woman is particularly vulnerable for some reason or another. She ignores her intuition and the subtle warning signs that something isn't right, and she smothers all her good sense with hope that things will work out in the end and her fairy tale will come true if she just loves hard enough. As the earlier comment said, "Some women will do anything for a man even if they have only half of a man." I have seen many marriages between American women and foreign Muslim men work, including those who met on the internet and even including some where the woman was older, or heavier, or divorced, or had children from a previous relationship. I don't say this to minimize the thread of fraud. It is real and prevalent and the classic red flags should be given their due weight. I've also seen many of these relationships fail. But it would be discounting the experiences of many couples who are long past the point of naturalization and who are on financially equal ground and are still going strong to generalize that all foreign Muslim men, or even all foreign Muslim men who chat with Americans online, are frauds. Nothing is ever that easy or that black and white. I don't blame anyone who wants to look at the odds, though, and decide the safest route is simply not to get involved. I suspect, however, that much of the readership on this forum consists of women who are already involved in some way and are trying to inform themselves about what to look for to help them decide whether or not to move forward. I would recommend that they look for red flags in the men, of course, but equally strongly I recommend that they look inward to themselves. If they've been used and abused by men in the past and haven't worked out those issues, then they are likely vulnerable to manipulation. If they are in a bad emotional state and looking for a hero or a way out, they are likely vulnerable to manipulation. If they are willing to give their entire selves to only half a man, they are likely to only get half a man. I'll close with this. I'm sure that there are plenty of women who are chatting with attractive foreign men right now and are coming to this site in the hopes of finding answers about whether or not it can be real. Simply put, no website can tell you what is in any man's heart. You can arm yourself with knowledge and learn about his background and culture as best you can, but ultimately only time will truly answer your questions about the man. What you CAN know, however, is how vulnerable you are. When I look at the successful relationships I've seen and compare them to the unsuccessful ones, the classic red flags are a helpful rule of thumb but they aren't perfect in either direction. In my opinion, a more reliable predictor is whether the woman accepts suspicious behavior, makes excuses for the small stuff, accepts unreasonably controlling demands, tolerates fishy absences, leaves important questions answered, and so on. The women I've seen who are in long-term, successful relationships past the point of immigration and financial benefits all have certain traits in common. Not one of them felt like the foreign guy was their last shot or only chance at happiness. Not one of them was afraid to be alone. Not one of them would accept half a man. God bless to the women who read this and are hurting. Please know that I have written this comment not to criticize anyone's particular situation or to lay any blame, I only seek to help some women who are still deciding and who might be pushing aside some nagging doubts. Go ahead and keep educating yourself about warning signs exhibited by some foreign men, but above all remember the old adage that before anyone else can love you, you have to love yourself.
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