Similar situation

Submitted by Chrissie (United States), Jun 13, 2011 at 21:17

My ex-boyfriend was French, but ethnically Moroccan. His parents were born in Morocco and I suppose that the cultural influences from Morocco must have carried over. He was my first serious boyfriend and we dated for a year and a half. I am in medical school and was returning for my second year after the summer. Two days before going back to school, I got dumped. I LOVED him soooo much (when I was with him). He knew he was my first love, and he knew how much I loved him.

He wanted to become an American citizen, and I told him I wouldn't marry him for his green card (too many things could go wrong, and the one who would pay for them would probably be me!). It was almost like to him there was no other way of getting a green card. To be fair, I don't know how hard it is to get a green card, but there are obviously other ways besides getting married. He kept talking about our future together, until the very end.

And the end was so abrupt... I was still deeply in love (with my first love, mind you) and he kept saying things like "you're kind of like my wife" "you're different than any other girl I've dated, you have all of the qualities I want in a woman, and your flaws aren't even that bad". These specific phrases were spoken three weeks before the end, and in retrospect, he was twisting a knife into my heart because at the time he said those things, I thought he meant them. I fell deeper and harder, because I trusted him.

So, when we broke up it didn't make any sense to me. He just started acting weird and mean, and I didn't get it. I still loved him, because I meant it when I said "I love you". I trusted he did too, and couldn't understand his reasons for ending things. He didn't really give any, and since I didn't understand I could not accept it. After our breakup he implied he wanted to get back together with me eventually, ideally, and then all of a sudden he gets really mean and cold. It was so confusing. Then, he gets really angry one night and refuses to speak to me. To me it seemed to come out of nowhere, I didn't understand how he could rapidly shift from sweetness, to being such an asshole. About a week later (three weeks after our break up) I get in touch with him, to try and clear some of the residual confusion.

He tells me that he has gotten married. He said it was business like, someone he didn't know at all until the wedding. I trusted him so much that I believed that. Soon enough, I come to find that he met her five months earlier on a business trip, and although they lived on opposite coasts, obviously there had to be communication there, because she flew across the country to marry him, AND took his last name (which I am sure made it easier for him to get his green card). AND she didn't know about me. She did not know that he had a girlfriend three weeks before they got married.

I was TOTALLY shocked, and hurt so deeply, especially because it was my first experience in love. Mind you, he times this so that the wound is fresh at the start of my academic year in medical school! It was awful, my grades suffered, and he won't even apologize until I essentially force it out of him. MY year ended up being a waste. I was not successful academically, and that makes me so ridiculously angry when I think about it. He commits a felony (marriage fraud...) with some poor woman who is willing to go through with it (and at the time they marry, he knows he is lying to her, but lets her use his last name. Granted, she agrees to it. Meanwhile, I have worked my butt off for YEARS in order to get into medical school, which is an act of merit. But he is not even remotely considerate about how his lies and his deceptions will impact my career, and my pursuit of something noble. I hate so much that it affected me the way it did, especially now that more time has gone by and I see that he was so not worth it.

Now you ask how "eyes can be filled with love, honesty, passion, kindness then turn into eyes of a cheater, liar, user" and it took me way too long to realize this, but here is your answer: those eyes were never honest, they were never really filled with love, were never truly kind, (maybe passionate, but that is not necessarily emotional). I know, it is crazy, and hard to accept because you were convinced that those feelings were real, (as they probably were for you). But its that simple. If he did what he did, then the things that you assumed were there were never truly there. It is that simple. He was always a user, a liar, and he was always fake. He was just good at being fake.

It seems complicated at first, and I know you want to understand it, but there is really nothing to understand. He is an asshole. That's your answer.

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