Belgian woman, Muslim man marriage

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Nov 8, 2011 at 20:14

Hi there, First of all Victoria, understand that you are not being paranoid and there are several concerns here. You are feeling the way you do because clearly you do not trust this man, and for good reason. It seems to me from reading your post that you feel rushed into this, and that is a bad sign because people who are spontaneous are more likely to be the victims of scams and lies. The "paranoia" as it is often called on here is your female instincts are telling you that is moving too fast and there is much uncertain, suspicious activity going on. This controlling nature of his is unlikely to change. If anything, it will get worse once you are married because then he knows you are that much less likely to leave him.

Second, what happened with his ex-wife was unfortunate. But don't let that situation make you decide to be with him because of sympathy. That is how scammers and liars work—they come up with these sob stories that can either be false or they have a situation that they grossly misrepresent as some grave, traumatic matter to get you to feel sorry for them. Even if this did happen to him, which I suspect it did, it is still something to be aware of. I would be extremely suspicious of what is going on with this woman, and I suspect it is more than meets the eye. I can understand why you feel second to her at times and I suspect that is the case.

Third, interaction with his family isn't terribly relevant as far as your relationship goes. Lots of people in relationships talk to---even move in with---their significant other's family. It does not mean that your relationship is golden because break-ups happen all-time even with knowing his family. You might have a nice marriage and your family might even be able to come.

But as Dr. Pipes notes above, it's after the fact when the changes happen. Given the behavioral pattern of your man, I'd say you are headed for being a woman who does all the kitchen chores, raises the kids and isn't allowed any male friends. Victoria, I think on some level you may be being played, or at the very least, this man does not seem to hold you as a high priority. Granted, that may be at least in part because he does have to work and he cannot simply vanish his responsibility to his child, but he seems more interested in controlling you than having an equal relationship. You also said that you understand each other's cultures---well, if that is true, then why is he putting you in an uncomfortable position and setting you up for a life you don't seem to want at all? And why are you so engrossed in the Koran if you understand this; more importantly, why are you looking up this information on-line? I would strongly advise you to walk away from this one. I know that may not be what you want to hear, but there are too many red flags here.

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