My Turkish Delight

Submitted by cihangirgal (United States), Nov 14, 2011 at 13:32

I was quite surprised to find this forum, as I thought perhaps I was alone in my current situation. It's pretty devastating to see that foreign women's relationships with Turkish men have all been equally heart-breaking.

This has prompted me to share my experience with a Turkish man and although remarkably similar to many other stories posted on this board, I'd appreciate a bit of feedback over the mistakes I made in carrying on the relationship.

I'm in law school, and planned a holiday to Istanbul during Spring break. I met him the day before I was set to leave. Twenty seven. Worked as a machinist for his father. Drop. Dead. Gorgeous. We met after he approached me on Istiklal Street on a Saturday night. Surprising, no? I immediately fell head over heels, as I was unaccustomed to the charm and persistence of Turkish men. I was heartbroken that I was set to fly back to the U.S. the next day, so we met the next day, and - thinking that I would probably never or hear from him again and didn't want to lose my chance at a fling with this Turkish Delight, I slept with him and floated back to the U.S. on cloud nine, totally fine with the fact that it was just a one night stand.

I was caught off guard when he continued to contact me and keep in touch after I returned to the U.S.. We talked on the phone, spoke via Skype, e-mail, send photos/videos, etc. There wasn't any "I love you" / "Marry me" / "What's the visa process for the USA like?" - it was just fun, light, friendly chatter and sharing stories about cultural differences.

A few months passed, and I was offered a Summer Associate position in a law firm in Istanbul. I booked my flight, and told him I'd be in Turkey for the summer, still not quite sure what to expect. He offered to help me find an apartment, gave me advice about certain neighborhoods, areas, etc - but I handled all these details largely on my own.

As soon as I stepped off the plane, he was waiting for me in the airport. I could not understand why this boy was still after me. To be honest, he was quite annoying the first few days, as I was busy with orientation with the firm and became angry/embarrassed a few times when he insisted on waiting outside the law office for me to exit.

After the first week, we started to see each other regularly. We'd go out to dinner, see movies, go to museums, football games, meander around, shop, etc. etc. I met and spent time with his brother. I met and spent time with his friends. I learned a lot about him - and him me. When he called me and I was alone, he would usually send one of his friends/brother to hang out with me until he was done with work. A little protective/over-bearing, yes, but I didn't mind. He also always escorted me to the places I needed to be for work because I was unfamiliar with the transportation system. Usually he would come back to my apartment and stay with me. and leave the next morning when we both went to work. I didn't cook for him, ever; I had no interest in impressing him with any sort of domestic skills.

Still, he made no promises of love or a future together. Fine. There was a lot of "I like you so much." and "I don't want just sex. I like your heart, blah blah." I was ok with this relationship because I figured the obstacles between us were too great (I had no religion, he was a Muslim / I barely spoke Turkish, his English was so-so / my family liberal, his conservative - he didn't drink/smoked/prayed 5 times a day) but after about a month, something switched and I became attached to him - something that does not typically happen to me.

I felt like I was under a spell. I picked up Turkish cuisine in a heartbeat and was making him dinners/breakfast every morning. I stopped wearing "Western" clothing and started wearing long skirts and high-cut shirts to make him feel more comfortable when we were out together. This was different than I had originally behaved, when he would try to put a scarf over my legs on the metro or while we were in his car, I would get annoyed and make bowing gestures to him. Now I was totally ok with covering up and looking more modest. He was very appreciative and things went even more smoothly than before. Things went from "I like you" to "Maybe love you."

Month two was a bit strange. He told me he had to go to Antayla to work for a week, which coincidentally also coincided with when his two best friends were going to an area less than 1 hour away. Also, before the trip, he made sure to buy a new wardrobe, hit up the berber, etc. Before he left, I was sad and cried (!) because I would miss him, and he told me he loved me. He called me every day during the trip, but it was pretty obvious to me that he went on vacation.

This hurt because during his absence, I planned a special party for his birthday (the day he arrived back) - with cake, presents, music, a meal, etc. etc. Things were going well and we exchanged a lot of "I love yous" and he started calling me Askim, cicegim, sultan kalbim, etc. I felt like a fool when I snooped in his phone one night and saw texts asking girls to meet him at clubs in the same resort town his friends had gone to. I also felt ridiculous for exhibiting such behavior for which I often snub other girls (snooping, accusations of lying, etc.)

I was confused because I would not have minded if he told me he was going on vacation with his friends - I felt so insulted that I was lied to. Obviously, I broached the subject and confronted him about it (without alluding to the text messages I had seen...there were other instances I cited as proof he had lied). This was when he became SO ANGRY with me. It was kind of comical to me the way he vehemently denied having gone on this trip, to the point where I almost actually believed him! He yelled and screamed until I was basically exhausted and figured he wasn't going to tell me the truth, so I just told him I believed him whilst telling myself to stop getting emotionally attached.

He kept repeating "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't talk to you...if I didn't love you, why do I help you out here and introduce you to my friends/brother...If I didn't love you, I would delete you." This was his argument every time I confronted him about lying.

Still, I didn't learn my lesson and continued to see him, this time believing that maybe I could get him to commit to me. I had become interested in Islam before meeting him, but never mentioned anything because I was accustomed to a lot of Turkish people laughing in my face when I told them I had a desire to learn about the religion. Anyway, I told him I wanted to be a Muslim, continued to cook for him, and even fasted for Ramazan. We had iftars and sahoors together and it was great. I felt happy and started to reconcile the lies and chalked them up to the nature of the Turkish man. I still checked his phone from time to time and saw he had deleted the photos of other girls and kept just the photos of us together.

Things continued to get more serious during Ramazan. He continued to tell me that he loved me, and told me stories about a girl he was supposed to marry years ago, but his family didn't accept her (her mother was a problem, apparently) and that he hadn't loved anyone since, except for me. I believed this, since Turkey is such a conservative country and based on his behavior/actions, I think this may have been the first time he played house with anyone.

One day, he told me that he was interested in starting a business with me and his cousin. We had a dinner together to discuss a ridiculous and unfeasible plan consisting of my finding wealthy Americans to pay his cousin (a manager at a construction firm) to build apartment complexes in Turkey. He told me "If we do business, change our life." and "I don't want to lose you so if we have a business together, we can see each other, etc." I went along with this plan and nodded my head because I really don't think I could have explained why this plan was idiotic and hair-brained. Needless to say, I haven't been searching for rich men to fork over their money to his cousin (36, still living with parents).

I clearly kept this from my friends/family since I was beginning to feel taken advantage of in some respects, but at the same time, he was still sweet to me. We spent so much time together, and we shared a lot of intimate moments. Note: I KNOW I SOUND LIKE A SUCKER, but really - I believed that he cared about me and saw me as more than a girl willing to sleep with him / make him some money.

During the end of the summer, I hadn't left Istanbul and wanted to take a trip. Of courseeee I wanted him to go with me, so I invited him to Fethiye. I had asked him to go away before, and he said he couldn't go because of work, but when I told him that my father would be paying for the trip, he agreed. He lives with his parents and while I don't think his family was struggling financially, they certainly weren't well off. So we went to Fethiye, had a great time and returned back to Istanbul.

My last week was difficult. I cried a lot knowing that the time had come for this three month fantasy to end - and that I had to get over him if I were to make it through my last year of law school intact. We had a couple of "real talk" moments when he told me that we probably couldn't marry, because he cares too much about what his family thinks - and what they expect from him. We entertained useless ideas of hiring translators so that our parents could speak to one another - but he noted that there will be a moment when his parents would want to "give a special talk" to my parents and this simply wasn't possible. He told me he would "never forget me forever in his life" and promised to keep in touch with me. He told me he wants to know me until we are both old - and even if we are both married to other people someday, he wants to continue to speak with me, even though he "wouldn't touch me" if that were the case. The day I left, he saved me at the airport, after I had overstayed my visa accidentally and had to pay a huge fine (which he paid for) before being allowed to catch my flight home.

When we talk, he doesn't bring up my pursuit of the business (perhaps he understands that this plan was dead in the water) and tells me he is waiting in Istanbul for me to return. He writes me constantly, tells me he loves me, etc. etc.

I don't understand why he keeps contacting me if he doesn't want to marry me/have a serious relationship. As soon as I returned, he asked me if I could lend him $1000, which he would pay me back immediately upon my return to Istanbul. I refused, because I am 100% positive that he is courting god knows how many other women in my absence. Sometimes when I try to get him to be serious, he usually just resorts to the same, joking, friendly behavior that we typically have. I am also confused because he is a deeply religious man - but sex seemed to be the only thing that deviates him from his devotion.

I'm set to return to Turkey to work full time as an Associate in March. I know I probably shouldn't talk to him anymore, but god damn it, he was too sweet and kind to me when we were alone together - and to be honest, I've never felt this way about any boy, despite the bad treatment. Is this abused wife syndrome? I'm assuming he is just too nice to tell me point blank & outright that things will not work out - but at the same time, I still feel as if I am being led on with the constant communication from him.

During the summer, I remember that he and his friends were often candid about telling me how Turkish men chase after western women until about 30 - then they want a religious, virgin Turkish girl to marry. I guess these comments are enough to tell me that he has no interest in pursuing anything with me - but I don't understand why a man would want to love a woman he wouldn't marry. Perhaps it is ridiculous to believe that he truly loved me, but even if he had some feelings for me - why would he want to lead a relationship on overseas with "I miss yous" and "i love yous" - shouldn't it be seen a waste of time? He's told me that he wouldn't want his wife to work, but if she had to, he would understand. We shared moments that I'll never forget where we talked about our futures and he told me the small things he noticed about my personality and interactions with others - which was strange because I hadn't thought he paid that close attention to me.

Anyways, I suppose I'm just looking for some feedback --- is it totally out of the question to think if I pursued a relationship with him in March (now as a Muslim, fluent in Turkish) - he would consider marrying me? What does he want from me? I ask not because this is my goal, but rather because I am desperate to see if anybody can understand this boy and his behavior, because he is the only man with whom I've had a relationship that I simply cannot figure out.

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