Heartfelt response to Cihangirgal on Turkish man---relationship signs

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Nov 15, 2011 at 19:24

Hi there chihangirgal and welcome!

Let me just first of all say that I am glad you shared your story with us! As a guy, I have some perspective to offer.

The first thing to note is that you met this man on holiday. That's really not the ideal situation and frankly, a lot of bad can happen from such encounters.

The reason is that everyone from scammers to travel companies know that if you are on a foreign vacation, you are (1) relaxed and your guard is down and (2) your kids are likely at home, which gives them more opportunity for business or whatever motive they wish.

Now, it's a 100% scam in every single case, but you do need to be aware of this.

The next issue is texting and clubbing with other women and him lying.

His reaction to you finding out how he lied may seem understandable at first glance, but in my eleven years of on-line/international/distance dating, I have to tell you that excessive anger is technique that is used to try and shut you up if you caught them red-handed or if you are onto them.

Also, do NOT feel guilty about snooping. I've done it before, so have other women on this site. It is the picture-perfect moral thing to do? That I can't answer. But don't be afraid to challenge your initial thoughts and see beyond the looks and charm.

I was in a situation once were I was chatting on-line with a woman from Suriname and she said told me that she was in medical physics. Well, so was my roommate, and when I called her out on it, she said that I was being very rude. This woman also suggested at one point we meet in a remote region of Mexico that is not quite stable.

The same thing happens to women on here. Their men will throw every emotion in the book at you if they think it can achieve their end goal. Some of the more skilled scammers and liars will even threaten to leave you if they think you care enough about them to get what the want. It can be a dirty, extreme situation.

As far as him wanting to contact you after you slept with him, well, personally I don't condone pre-martial sex, in part because situations like him wanting to come after you arise. I suppose it can happen with any man; realistically, some people can't handle the one-night stand situation, but women from the First World should know that if they do get sexual or even flirt with a man from another country, it can be taken way overboard and it's something else to be aware of.

But really ,even accounting for this, the reason he still contacts you but doesn't want a relationship: money, sex, the usual.

I'm sure that sounds harsh, but take it from me (a fairly religious guy by modern standards) if religious men, whether they are Muslim, Christian or whatever can have their cake and eat it too---some of them will. It's just like Dr. Pipes says in the introduction to this blog----they act all hunkey dorey and tolerant of our customs, but then after marriage, sometimes a total 180 can happen.

Those cases are of course extreme, but I have the same concerns here because, well look at it like this:

You are going out of your way to accomodate him. You have become Muslim, changed your dress, ect for him, and why? Because you care.

And what has he done for you? Well, he slept with you, asked for money, possibly cheated on you, and yet he wants to keep in touch. Why?

Sex and money.

Frankly, he's doing it because you keep on entertaining him with responses. That's how all the cheats, liars and scammers on here work whether they are Muslim men or non-religious Western women.

In fact, I've had several ex-dating partners contact me months even years later wanting to re-establish contact. Why? Because they wanted sex, money , attention, a re-bound, you name it. In one case I was able to confirm that the girl just had broken up with her on-line boyfriend.

Essentially, I was their fall-back because I was the "nice guy", and I really think the same thing happened to you.

And don't even get me started on his 36 yo cousin starting a business with rich connections. I'm all for business innovation, but that whole proposal sounds like a sham or something that could never take off. I mean, the man is living at home with his parents.

I've even been in a similar situation myself. One of the gals I was dating on and off five, six years ago wanted to get together with another couple and get a house. Turns out the gal I was dating wanted to do it so she could get closer to the fiance of the girl of the other couple and mess around with him while I paid the bills.

On the marriage question, would he ever marry you? He might, but not because he loved you, he might do it to serve his own needs. As I said, I'm a religious person (Catholic) and I've dated agnostic and Wiccan women before, but marry them? That would have been very problematic. Sure, it hurt and it was sad to let them go, but in the end, it was for the best. One it seemed did cheat on me and the other, well, she was on-line at night from 12-4 am local time talking to people.

If you had a relationship or marriage with this man, I think you'd end up to be pretty miserable. The reality is that all of this charm and good looks that he has would wear off with time and he would expect you to live by his rules, which could be as strict as you staying in all day, cutting off contact with your male friends, raising the kids and doing kitchen chores. Somehow, I doubt getting a law degree would be of much use if that is what he has planned.

I have no doubt at all that you are/were attracted to him, and I understand why you fell for him. I'm sure he can be sweet and I have doubt he's very good looking. But I am absolutely convinced that this would not have ended well for you no matter what.

I don't think it's necessarily "abused wife syndrome"---unless you were abused in which case I would advise you to report it. I think perhaps what it may be is that you've a man who gives you attention and let's face it, a lot of guys here stateside don't know how to communicate with and impress women.

The best counsel I can give you is to break contact with him. Delete him from you phone, your IMs, your social networking sites, get a new phone number and un-install your chat programs if you have to.

Just because you are in his area (or country) doesn't imply an obiligation for you to see him. I suppose our culture has a tendency to show that in the media---two lovers who met in college or the boy/girl next door who keep dancing around each other every 2-3 years into their late 30s and 40s. But it doesn't work out so nicely in real life.

At any rate, I hope this helps, and feel free to come back as much as you feel the need to. You're an aspiring law student and I know that you can do better, and don't let him have this power over you!

---

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".