An update/ another cautionary tale

Submitted by uncertain (United States), Jul 21, 2014 at 00:20

I posted a few weeks ago about my Muslim boyfriend, and I thought I should do an update on the situation, to hopefully warn other womenl like me. I'm young, my boyfriend seems very americanized seeing as he has lived here for a few years, got his masters here, and works here. However, as people have said, even the most 'americanized' muslim guy is still extremely religious if he was raised in an Islamic country.

I've been having very serious discussions about the future with my boyfriend, and have found that while he seemed liberal and normal, he is very sexist, and conservative. In islam women are viewed as equal, but with different roles than men and from a Western standard, the differing roles put women in an inferior position. My man expects me to marry him and move back to his country in a few years, and I've decided that I am going to end the relationship.

Please, if you are in a similiar position as me... dating a successful Muslim man who genuinely wants to be with you and is not using you for a green card or money..if this sounds like you, bring up serious things sooner rather than later. Where does he expect to live in the future? How flexible is he on allowing you to raise the kids with both Christian and Muslim teachings? Does he expect you to convert? Is he planning to change to stop drinking?

I know that drinking sounds like a stupid concern, but for me I love drinking socially, and i want a husband who enjoys it too. The things i've mentioned, as well as MANY other questions are important to talk about. These topics could cause anger on his part, and frustration for both of you, but if you are going to have any chance at all of having your relationship survive, you need to talk. I have learned quickly that my man has basically been brainwashed- he cannot even discuss any negatives at all of his culture or religion.

I do nothing but compliment those two subjects, but if I bring up any negative, he quickly comes up with excuses and becomes angry and dismissive. I personally cannot stand this type of behavior- if you can't take criticism, and can't think critically about the world around you, you will be permanently stuck in ignorance. I can admit in my own culture where there are problems, so it's frustrating being with someone who can't do the same. I've also found he gets very angry very easily if I disagree with him on things.I do not want to convince him of anything, I just want him to hear my opinion, see my logic, and think for himself. Instead, he feels like I am attacking his beliefs, when in reality I'm not.

I've also just realized he has fundamental views that are different than mine. He's very hypocritical. A lot of these men want to come and live the western lifestyle while they are young, sleep with girls and drink, and then go back to their own countries and find a virgin woman to marry, and become suddenly very religious. They'll sleep with many women, but look down on women who aren't 'pure'. I am someone who is very liberal, and open-minded, but after my relationship with this guy, I've really came to see that cultural and religious differences do not conquer love. The Muslim/Christian relationships that actually work out only are able to do so because the Muslim guy most likely bends on certain things, and also lives in a Western country. If you are open to living in a way that complys with Islam, then you will not have problems. I personally am not open to it, and my man is not going to be able to change. So we are not going to work out.

Ladies, take my advice, PLEASE. Do not end up like me. I'm a young professional and planned on marrying this guy, and being with him forever. The worst feeling in the world is getting used to the idea of someone being in your life, and realizing who they are is different from your idea of who they are. It does not matter how attractive, successful, or modern he seems, it will change.

I am so in love with my boyfriend that I never listened to my gut feeling, or to anyone on this forum, but after asking him myself, I've come to see that I truly cannot be with someone with such drastically different cultural views.

Best of luck to anyone in situations like mine, hopefully we will all be able to find men who will love and cherish us, and not subject us to all this.

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