Illusion of love?

Submitted by Anne (South Africa), May 23, 2016 at 11:46

Dear Reader

I have found your email address on the Daniel Pipes website that warns non- Muslim and western women not to get involved with Muslim or Arab men. I have no one (friend and family) to talk to about this, since they will not be able to relate to my situation and they will not understand me finding myself in this situation. This is why I am writing to you because I need someone with a shared or similar experience.

I want to start with my personal background first, so that you can know who I am and where I come from. I am a 21 year old South African woman. My mother tongue is Afrikaans and I have always worked hard in life to be successful and to be a 3rd year student at one of my countries' leading universities. I was raised Christian, in a good middle class family and my parents are both professional people. My father is a economics teacher at a local College and my mother is a social worker. So, I am supposed to be a model child that makes good decisions in my life, right? Well, recently I have found myself caught in a web of what I would call the illusion of love.

When it comes to love and relationships I have always been used to only one person in my life, my high school sweetheart. I have been with him for three and a half years, we are the same age and technically grew up together. He is also Christian and was raised in a good family. We had our normal ups and downs a s a couple. I was almost sure that he was the one, until Mr Egyptian showed up a few months ago, trying to persuade me that I am in love with him.

My high school sweetheart and I had a huge fight in December 2015 about something that caused heartache in our relationship before. I felt as if the same problems and mistakes were repetitive and that our relationship will not work out anymore. My high school sweetheart had to do his practical (he is a agricultural student) from January 2016, which left me on my own for six months almost 500km away from him. We decided that this is a good time for us to think about our future and to figure ourselves out. To make a decision about continuing with our relationship.

I had an operation to remove malignant ovarian cysts from my ovaries in May 2015. My gynaecologist told me that it will be difficult for me to conceive on my own one day without professional help, since the cysts on my ovaries were polycystic and almost as big as tennis balls. This was a very emotional and difficult time for me, my high school sweetheart stood by me through every second of it. He even wiped me when I after I went to the toilet and washed my feet every day, since I stay alone and study far away from my parental home. My parents obviously had to work and could only come to me the week after my operation was performed. He was the only person that was there for me. This is when I knew that he truly loved me and cared for me in every way.

I met Mr Egyptian on social media. He sent me a message in June 2015 saying "hi". I did not reply to him since I cannot receive messages with people that I am not friends with on Facebook. In February 2016 I went through my message requests and saw his message. I replied with a simple "hey", in order to find out who this is and why he is messaging me. He messaged me back, and after a lot of compliments that he gave me based on my pictures on my profile, he told me his life story.

He is from Egypt and came to South Africa in August 2015. He is currently 25 years old and he was a Captain in the Egyptian army. His reply to me when I asked him why he came to South Africa: "I hate Egypt and I wanted to come to my mother". His mother left him with his father in Egypt when he was only 2 months old and came back to South Africa. This means that he does not have South African citizenship, but plans to stay here. This piece of information already acted as a redflag for me. I know that relationships between two people do not always work out, but why would a mother leave her child with his father in the Middle East and come back to her country of birth?

Long story short, we started to talk, because I was so interested in his life story. It was also weird for me to encounter a person who leaves a stable job (the Egyptian army with a high rank), to come to South Africa and lead a rather simple life here, doing business with the locals (second redflag). Regardless of the redflags that I saw in every conversation we had, I kept on talking to this person. I did not know why. Maybe because I was too vulnerable, too young and confused about my relationship with my high school sweetheart? Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to, to get my mind off things a little. This move that I made, makes me regret that I ever started to talk to this Egyptian man. And of course his classic tall, dark and handsomeness made me even more vulnerable.

This Egyptian man and I never met each other. He always initiates meetings on Sundays because it's his "off day". Every time when it's Sunday morning he would come up with an excuse for not be able to see me. It's always: "Maaf 7biby, I had to do something for my brother. I have to listen to my brother because he is older than me" or "Maaf habibi, I had to work today". I know that meeting him would possibly put, my life in danger, but it felt like I had to because there is something about him that I could not quite put my finger on.

I tried to tell him numerous times that I do not want to in a relationship with him but he insists and tells me that he will not give up and that I am his "true love" and that he found "true love" with me. My question: How do you know you love someone by just talking to them on social media (this was another redflag)? He tells me that he will wait for me when I am done with my studies. He tells me that he wants the numbers of my family and friends so that he can talk to them, and if I trust and love him I will do this. I never did it and neither will I. His numerous conversations about the future like marrying me and having children, just freaks me out, because I grew up in a western world and I am not used to men approaching me and talking to me like this.

He wants pictures of me everyday, because he wants to see me everyday and he wants to see what I am wearing. I have to call him before I leave my flat and when I return. He spends hours on the phone audio calling me, video calling me and chatting to me. He showers me with compliments like no man has ever done before. He sometime wants me to undress myself when he video calls me and wants to make me "naughty". Sick, I know.

When we talk about the future, he assures me that I do not have to change my religion if we get married one day and that he will allow me to raise my children Christian if I want to. I wanted to believe him, but there was just that bad gut feeling about him once again. He is extremely jealous and gets angry when I spend time with male friends, especially when I spend time with one of my male friends who lives in one of the flats in my flat complex. Even if I tell him that my male friend does have a girlfriend and that he is a well educated person with good morals, and that we only talk about life and sometimes cook together to save money, since he is also still a part- time student, he tells me not to sit alone with him and that I must not talk to my male friend.

He tells me that he is still a virgin. He is obsesses about the idea of virginity and believes that everyone in the west is not virgins anymore and that most of the people in the Middle East are virgins. My questions: Then why do you want me, a westernized South African? Why don't you find yourself a Middle East virgin then? (Another redflag). His sister is 22 years old and sends me voice notes, inviting me to Egypt to "visit" her. She just got married and is in her final year of study.

Like I said previously something bothered me about this man, so I decided to approach good old google and googled "dating an arab man" and "Egyptian man". I came across the Daniel Pipes website which was very informative and helpful. Reading these women's stories on this website opened my eyes.

I still felt the need to share my story with you, someone that was in a similar situation. This makes me feel that I am not alone (and for this whole time I thought I was!). Who do we western women want to leave our good men and boyfriends for these Arab or Muslim men? What makes them hypnotise us so much that we forget what our responsibilities are, causing us to lose all rational ways of thinking. This is questions still stays somehow unanswered to me, but I know that our Lord, God sent me to you for a reason.

The funny thing is, when I told him about my searches about Egyptians and his religions etc. He gets upset with me and tells me to ask him about everything if I want to know something. He always tells me that he is always right and that I am wrong. He also once told me that my religion is wrong and that everything that we do is wrong. This comes from someone who wants naked pictures, constantly wants phone sex, swears and smokes. I know am not a perfect person or the perfect Christian and I do not have to explain to anyone except God, but who gives this man the right to give me these words?

Thank you so much for reading my story. It is only a brief overview of the events that occurred, since I cannot write down every detail. I really hope that you can give me more advice on how and why I must leave this illusion of love that I have with this Arab Muslim man.

Yours sincerely,
Anne

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