Time & Persistence

Submitted by Full of Wonder (United States), Jul 30, 2019 at 02:34

The story is important to tell because time and persistence are at the heart of this. This on again, off again relationship spanned twelve-plus years. So here goes ...

I was new to the expat community, living abroad for the first time as a teacher. It was 2007. I started a pen-pal program at my school. I thought it would be fun to have students practice their English and exchange letters with students from other countries. This is when I met my future boyfriend, let's call him B. He's from Morocco. Shortly after we began communicating online. It quickly became sexual and serious. He told me repeatedly how beautiful I was and how much he loved my plus-sized figure, and that he was in love with me.

I had recently ended a 3-year relationship with someone from my country and didn't want anything serious and yet here I was, Skyping with B every chance I (not we) had. We talked a lot about my beauty and how sexy I was. Having any sort of normal, "what was your day like?" conversation was limited to a few words. B would always bring it back to "us" and sex. He never asked me questions about myself. It was very one-sided unless he was complimenting my beauty or body.

I wasn't in a place financially to travel the world however, and soon returned home to my country. Life got busy and we lost touch.

Jump forward 3 years and I got married. B reached out online and I told him I was married now. He flipped out via Skype. He made me feel guilty for getting married to someone other than him. He said some nasty, hurtful things. The stupid thing is that I apologized – for my marriage to someone other than him.

My marriage ended shortly thereafter and not because of B. My ex-husband was after a green card. My only solace in our divorce was that he was denied one because our marriage was too short.

By 2013 I was overseas again, teaching in another country. B reached out via Facebook. I wasn't as quick to rekindle anything. He pleaded, left unrequited messages for me, professing his love and how no women were good enough, except me. I was dating someone, but this time didn't disclose that information. I told B he needed to find happiness with someone from his own country. He became frustrated and he told me that he was too poor to afford the dowry but if he married me then he wouldn't have to pay it and he could afford to give his family a better life. Unlike many experiences on here, B was straightforward but only when he didn't get the results he was hoping for.

B promised me a good life. All I had to do was visit him in Morocco and see what a beautiful country it was. We could open a school to teach English. We would use my money. It would elevate his status and I would be marrying into a family full of love. I laughed, which caused an argument because he thought I was making fun of his situation. It resulted in a much longer phone call because I was too polite to hang up. This time I didn't apologize – I explained. B was unsatisfied and wanted me to apologize for causing him pain. It seemed he only told me the absolute truth when he was frustrated or angry.

I cut all ties.

In 2019 he found me on social media. It has been nearly 5 years. He was open and honest and told me he hasn't been able to move on. B went on to tell me that there are many beautiful women in Morocco and that he chose me. It's not about looks although he finds me very sexy, and since he's only been with thin women, he wants to be with a curvy plus-sized woman. B plans to marry me--all I need to do is visit Morocco. And we're going to have children. I am adopting (in my real life) and told him this. He wasn't pleased.

It was very sad. I could feel his pain and desperation. Part of me wants to believe he's genuine but I can't do it. I learned long ago that if a partner makes you cry rather than lift you up, it's not worth it. And if they can't be honest with themselves, they can't be honest with you.

This last conversation was heartbreaking. B patiently waited twelve years (or perhaps impatiently so – I'll never know). He told me he could see love in my eyes. He knew I felt the same, but he was frustrated that I hadn't committed to him after all this time. I thanked him for the call and told him what would make me happy is for him to settle down with someone who makes him happy. He refused to let me talk after that and told me the same things about my beauty, sex, love, and his commitment to me. I dropped the call.

The moral is: your partner should be there to lift you up, talk with you, share their lives with you (likes, dislikes, and beyond) and do this in person. If they make you cry, feel badly about your life choices, and/or berate you, they're not worth your time.

I never met him in person because I couldn't afford the trip in my 20s. I was a struggling teacher and writer. The irony of this is that in 2020 I will be visiting Morocco. I know I will think of him and then I will remember the multiple bullets that I dodged.

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