I'm glad you came back

Submitted by Keira (Australia), Sep 3, 2019 at 13:43

Robin, first of all, I apologise for not emailing you. It was a hectic week but I will explain to you why in my email!

I'm responding here because I think that what I'm going to say could benefit more women who are reading this board.

Sad Laura's post was in the main page as "Women asking for advise", so that's why I found it:

http://www.danielpipes.org/comments/253234

As you could see, she replied to one post a bit older, only one month older, and for some reason it must have gotten stuck in there as it is apparently that there is a great number of women posting here looking for advise or relief. Yes, Robin, it is very sad.

Robin, do not stop coming here yet, please. You're still now in early stages after breaking up with a narcissist which means that thank God now you're conscious of who that man was and what he did to you. And although now you know, you are still suffering and are vulnerable in case this sociopath tries to reach you. Do not forget as well that they make us addict to them, so similarly to what happens when you are addicted to something, leaving it behind it is far hard. Not to mention that our drug was someone absolutely amazing at the beginning who promised us that kind of marriage that every girl has been looking for all her life. Believe me that before my bubble burst, he was everything I imagined. But one day, I don't know when it started, his true colours starting coming out. I said the other the day that I was acting out of fear instead of out of love. Suddenly, I was agreeing on doing things that I didn't want to because if I said no, the only thing I could expect was silent. Read about the damage which silent treatment leaves behind, although I'm sure you have already done it. It is one of the most toxic and dangerous types of abusive behaviour.

They hurt us very deeply, Robin. We women who never have been with a narcissist man in our lives would never expect such a kind of relationship nor this unbearable pain. It is next to impossible to seeing it coming. At least, I couldn't. And yes, we all need to love and to be loved. It is human to feel this way. So please, never blame yourself. Imagine that you meet a girl who like you has been hit by one of these.... (I can't say men anymore). Would you be rough to her or would you speak to her with words of wisdom, understanding, patience and love? It always surprisse me that we empaths are the most supportive people, always trying to help and give the best of us and, however, we are very hard with ourselves. We don't allow us to make a mistake and when we make it, we berate us instead of being forgiving. I guess that you, like me, are a perfectionist, aren't you? Strong, independent and confident but always looking for improving yourself at some level. Something is missing. But they manage to know what. Don't worry, it's why we are chosen. Because of our good willingness and because they know that we need external validation as we rarely give it to ourselves. They are clever enough to know that we are the best preys because they make us the happiest girls in the world and boost our self esteem to extreme levels at the beginning (meaning that they give us exactly what we need), make us dependent to them and after a little while, we are put down. As Lana says, congrats mate!, now you're brainwashed.

Robin, I can tell you that even feeling as strong as I feel today and very conscious of everything, the pain and that a marriage with such a kind of man would have never worked (leaving aside that definitely living as a Muslimah wasn't an option for me after all my Qur'an studying), still I'm dealing with days when I'm home and would like really badly to know from him. In two seconds, I come back to my senses. I switch my mind to another fun activity or call a good friend to chat about silly daily things. And ladies, cleaning is also another kind of excelent therapy. My house never looked so nice! ;) It's all a part of our healing process. It is a real shame that we are in this situation. But we will be fine, I can assure you. I feel much much better every day and I'm sure that I would not allow this man to come back to my life anymore. Once you're out of their atmosphere, you naturally start seeing the reality. And after the pain, nothing but good feelings and things come.

Try to find what used to make you happy before your marriage. Fill your days with those activities that you used to love. Get your mind distracted in positive things. Treat yourself a lot and buy you some new clothes, your favourite food and, why not?, some flowers to make your living more colourful when you get home! Go outside with your friends as much as you can... Post here and feel yourself helpful to prevent more women from falling into this... And if you still feel you're unwell, look for a very good counsellor who is very well trained in narcissistic disorder because others will not be of help, believe me.

Stay calm, love yourself and dedicate all your thoughts to try to figure out ways to make yourself happy. And do not stop coming here, because I can assure you it will help you clear more your minds, stay focused and heal sooner.

Lot or love from here.

Keira

P.S. We give you a pat in the back too ;) Well done!

---

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".