Reply to daughters situation

Submitted by XConvert (United States), Oct 5, 2019 at 22:44

Okay, so I read through everything you posted, so forgive me for my late response, since I'm not on here a ton. I just decided to check now, and saw you reached out to me.

You want to know what I think? When you said he's been here for years with no degree, the first thing that came to my mind was someone I know who did this. Basically, he stayed here as long as he possibly could (assuming J1 student visa) until he found a sucker like your daughter to get papers through. I knew someone who did this, and in his final months here managed to snag a teenager he could take along for a ride. Of course, similar scenario of treating the girl like absolute crap, but she thinks he's dreamy and perfect. Delusion at its finest.

Yeah, your husband is doing the right thing by maintaining zero contact. Those court orders are nothing to mess with. It's sad that it came down to this, but it sounds like your daughter realIzes to some degree you and your husband were right, but doesn't want to swallow her pride.

As far as what to do, I don't know. I would try to not have conversations that may make her want to retreat into herself and not keep contact. I would try to avoid direct conversation about this guy unless her life is in danger. For now, I would try to just bring the relationship back to a point where she feels she can trust you. She knows her situation is awful and this isn't what she wants, but the last thing women want to admit to their family sometimes is how right they were.

I have heard of things like this before. Generally speaking, dramatic shifts in personality and looks (more modest clothes) happen in these relationships. However, it seems like your daughter is simply depressed, not trying to accommodate to how this guy wants her to be. I mean, I'm not surprised by any of this. I'm really not. I don't think there is any clear solution to this either. Something is going to come to a head. He has no money and your daughter will eventually run out of money. Whether it's money, another woman, or what have you, this relationship is doomed to end. No matter what though, be there for your daughter if she comes back. If anything, this relationships demise could leave her broke and rock bottom. The amount of mind f*%cking knowing someone used you does to your mental health is really sad.

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