Each relationship is unique

Submitted by Laura (United States), Jun 29, 2006 at 19:58

Celina,

I appreciate the quick response. Your husband sounds similar to mine in that they both have never really thought very much about their faith and what it means to them. My husband does not pray five times per day, either. In fact, I've never seen him pray. And he also is unable to explain why he does what he does (such as fasting during Ramadan, but not praying) or why he believes what he believes. He can't even really say what he believes.

I don't think he really knows what he believes--he has a lot of questions, and once in a while he makes a small effort to explore them. And that reassures me because it makes me feel that, even though he's not ready to make any decisions about what exactly he believes, deep down we really are compatible in terms of our religious beliefs.

You should know, Celina, that I am not Christian, or Muslim, or Jewish...I am agnostic. I was not raised as a Christian, although my parents were raised that way--I was not raised in any particular faith, but my parents modeled for me what it means to be kind, honest, caring, loving, responsible, hard-working, and open-minded. And so I learned those kinds of traditional values that people often are supposed to be taught through a formal religious education. Ironically, people often assume that I am fairly religious because of the way I live my life--because of the way that I treat people.

To be honest, I had many negative experiences with Christians when I was younger. I was ridiculed and ostracized by them because I did not associate myself with a particular denomination of Christianity. And I had a lot of resentment about this. But I realized that it is wrong of me to make assumptions about anyone--and I work hard to reserve judgement on any person until I know him or her well. I've met good, caring, truly wonderful people who are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, agnostic...from many different backgrounds. And so who's to say which way is the "right" way?

You talked about conviction being important--I agree, as long as the conviction leads to moving beyond our own self-centeredness in order to improve the lives of others. I have a feeling that you might agree with that, Celina. When it comes to my own children, I think about who I want them to be as people. I want them to have the values that I share with my husband: honesty, kindness, gentleness, self-discipline, a good work ethic. I want my children to be caring, loving, open-minded and accepting of others in a genuine way. In this way they will be respectful people. And I want my children to be critical thinkers. I will encourage them to explore the various religious faiths out there and decide which, if any, speak to their souls. And I will be honest about my own questions and uncertainties about God, if they ask me about the issue. But I do not believe in telling my children that they must practice a particular religion in order to be saved in the afterlife. And I require my husband to agree to go along with that, if he wants to stay with me. That basically means that our children will not be taught to follow a particular faith. Instead, I hope that we will be able to model for them how to live as individuals and how to treat others. And if my children do their best to live each day in a truly loving and honest way, then I will not care which religion--if any--they choose to follow in the end.

I was searching the internet in the hopes of finding people to connect with who can relate to my situation and my outlook on life, and so if you feel that you would like to continue to write to me, Celina--and I would like that--or if there is anyone else who would like to do that--then you can email me at truesde3@yahoo.com.

Celina, best wishes to you and your husband in the future, and I hope to hear from you.

Laura

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".