I hear ya! Am in a similar situation

Submitted by Alma (United Kingdom), Oct 14, 2006 at 15:41

Hi there,

I'm mulsim by background, but I don't believe in religion as a concept anyway. I do believe in God, and like you, don't think God has a religion, He/She/It is the creator of all that we know and for that we should be thankful, believe and be in awe of Him/Her/It.

My boyfriend is white English Christian from the most loving and open-minded family I have ever met. My situation is in reverse of yours: I'm worried about my Muslim parents accepting him. They believe in Islam whole-heartedly (though not fanatically), they practice it by keeping to themselves, never making us feel like we were pressured into it. It is THIS, my father says, that makes them real Muslim - and not like all the unfortunate representatives who are making the news these days, enforcing their beliefs on others. That is not Islam after all... unfortunately for your situation, this is what your average Westerner sees, and you really can't blame your boyfriend's family for feeling or thinking the way they do. It is a stereotype that is in their face day in and day out. I'm not saying you should accept it either, but you have to understand that this is all they see... and then, there's you. Probably the only Muslim they know who isn't running around trying to bomb or terrorize someone! I have been in the 'line of fire' for having a Muslim background as well. Being of Syrian origin but having been raised in the West (US, Canada and UK), I came face to face with such stereotypes and derogatory comments, and specially lately. The only thing that has kept me going is the knowledge that I know better than they do.

I have been fortunate to have the education I have. It was Muslim parents who encouraged me to speak 4 languages, to travel the world, to obtain my Master's degree, to move out and get my own apartment and be an independent woman. This, my father once told me, was the greatest weapon he could give me - a great education and a strong personality. Unlike many Muslims who overly-protect their daughters, my father's idea of protection was to arm me in life so that should I ever get married and be in an unhappy relationship, I would not be left on the streets begging for money. He used to say that he wasn't going to be around for a long time, and so the best gift or 'inheritance' he could provide me with, were the skills to survive and succeed in life.

You have to have faith that your parents and your background are a good representation to your boyfriend's family of what Islam really is about. You should use this opportunity to show them that not all Muslims are what they have seen on TV or have read about in the papers. And you do this, simply by being yourself. Don't argue back, don't fight back, just be yourself and always be lovely to them. When I faced this type of character before, I turned around and sarcastically said to that person "yeah, because you know, I'm completely illiterate and uneducated. I mean hell I only have a Bachelor's degree... what a moron of a muslim I am eh! Yep, we really ALL are so stupid!" ;-)

The truth is, any person basing their ideas on a stereotype, is in fact not a very open-minded person. Whether they are racist against minorities, religions, countries, cultures, languages, etc.... in this day and age if fast communication and travel, that does not scream out 'open-minded'. Your boyfriend's parents just sound like a) they don't know and b) they don't want to know... but at the end of the day it's yours and your boyfriend's that you should focus on. You're lucky to have such understanding and supportive parents, and you should use that to show your boyfriend how loving your family is and how accepting they are of him.

You can never win people over with hostility, but you can win them over with love and an open attitude.

My brother recently married a lovely South African Catholic girl. In Cape Town where she is from, all the violence and problems caused there are generally by Muslim gangs. That's all Kelly's parents ever heard about Islam - drive by shootings, crimes, violence, beating up christian white boys, etc, etc.... so imagine their shock and horror when she told them she was in love with a Muslim boy (my brother). They too were against it at the beginning, until they met him and saw what an amazing and highly-educated person he is, who treats her like a queen and loves her to pieces. They didn't meet my parents until their wedding day! So they were also a bit wary of what his background was truly like. They fell in love with my parents and now the 2 families are so close and are so proud that their daughter has met a man who knows how to treat her right. And by the way... he doesn't remember her birthday, valentine's day, etc... any of that either!! That's not a religious thing, that's a MAN thing! Haha! They're just useless.. your brother is probably one of the FEW special ones! Haha!

So don't let this get you down. Believe in yourself and who you are. Know that you know more than they do. You can't blame someone for not knowing, and for not wanting to know... that's a character. But you have to be the bigger person, realise it as the educated woman you are, and just know that it will pass... and it will. Chin up girl! I'm rooting for you!

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