Learn from my experience of being a Christian woman married to a Muslim man

Submitted by Deb (United States), Nov 16, 2006 at 21:16

I've been married many years to a Muslim male. I am hoping my experience might make someone think before they marry a Muslim. I hope my unhappiness can have some meaning and maybe change someone's mind. Bottom line if you are Christian don't do it. You will NOT EVER have a Christian home. Your children will most likely lose interest in being Christian as they get older. Since most evangelical churches are pro-Israel you will have the political problems as well.

If you think you can win him over by being a "First Peter chapter three wife " you will probably not be able to submit enough to him. He will not notice it, because he is used to women submitting to him. On top of that as a Western woman you will feel degraded if you submit to the degree that he is used to, you will become angry with him, and then feel like a failure. You probably could not submit enough if you were brain dead.

If you decide you want to be Muslim, still ask yourself these questions and be prepared for the following:

1. Do you like to cooK? Cooking and making babies are about all that really count. in Muslim culture. If you don't enjoy spending hours daily, making middle eastern food, you will have a problem. A woman's worth is measured in how well she cooks. You will constantly be compared to his mom, sisters, friends's wives, etc..

2. Forget the Christian injunction "a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife". A muslim man 's first alliance is still to his original family. Be prepared for the following: Expect to have family members live with you. Expect your husband to support them financially. If he is the oldest son it will ALWAYS be his responsiblity to be sure that his younger brothers are happy and secure, no matter how irresonsible they are and no matter what age. His mother , even if your husband is 45 and brother is 40 will expect the elder to take care of the younger. Your husband will make major financial sacrices, and sacrifice your future as well. You will always be expected to be the hospitable one if you marry an older son. Now if you marry a younger son, you might be " off the hook" as far as sacrificing for the family goes, as he will be likely taken care of , although he may also be more irresponsible in other areas.

3. Whenever there is extra time and money, it will be spent on vacations to the middle east to visit family, unless you are very wealthy.

4. Can you set ground rules before you are marrried about how finances are arranged? Can you talk about the serious things? Muslim men can be very charming, loving and fun while dating but after marriage it usually all changes. Be sure you can have a joint checking account. Be sure you will have EQUAL say in matters of money. If you are engaged, and he becomes defensive about discussing money, walk away..

5. Some Muslim men are superstitious about future planning. You might end up having no retirement savings, life insurance, or funeral plan. This will be a disaster, unless you are wealthy, because Muslims do not allow cremation. my husband believes that even having health insurance demonstrates a lack of faith. He drives without insurance.. Thankfully, I have health insurance through work..

6. After marriage, and especially after children, you may not ever go out for fun as a couple again. Now, only duty matters.

7. And worse, especially as I've seen more in Sunni populations "a spoiled child is a loved child". Expect to have all of your attempts at discipline undermined. Your children, especially sons, will not have to perform chores. They will not be taught to budget. In fact, if they are weak and dependent or narcissistic as adult males, that is just fine. In my husband's family, it is considered "haram" to frustrate a male child (and often young male adult) for any reason..

8. If your husband does not have affairs, you will still feel that his friends, family, and your own children are of infinitely more importance.

Why didn't I divorce? Because I kept hoping things would change, that I could pray/reason/hope (to say nothing of my fears of vengeance, taking the kids away, etc.) Now that I am 50 years old, looking back on my life, I would do anything to go back 30 years ago. and make a different choice.

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