Dating the more liberal Muslim

Submitted by Charlotte (United States), Jan 26, 2007 at 03:24

I hope you don't mind, but I'm engaged to a Muslim man and though your experience may be true for you, mine are different. So I will touch upon your points with my editing.

- I can leave the house without permission, but it better be for a good reason. My man wants to know where I am going and when I will be home because he is a constant worry wart!

- My fiance does not celebrate my holidays or his. Instead we agreed to stop par-taking in the commercialism and just take a vacation together with our kids on those holidays. Forget a tree or a sacrifice, just pack it up and go somewhere that we can be a family and appreciate one another in a quality way, void of the pomp and ritual of religion.

- Pork can be in my house, I can eat it, but he won't touch it.

- My fiance is three years older than me. He is sickened by the idea of dating a woman who would be 6 years or more younger than him, he has dated an older woman in the past.

- I had my tubes tied and can not bear more children without a reversal surgery. My fiance would like his blood to continue but if he can not have children with me than that is a price he must pay to have me. He is fully aware that if he brought home another woman he would be buried with her in my back yard that same evening. I would NEVER tolerate such disrespect, he has known this since we first began dating and has agreed it would be just.

-I have no intention to convert to Islam. I am an atheist and shall die that way. His family is very feudal and so I shall compromise for them. We shall make nikkah and I will honor their traditions when we visit them, but thats the most he will get out of me. He has been aware of this since day one and it has rarely been a point of contention between us.

- The marriage previously doesn't apply to me. My fiance was never married, it is I who am the divorcee.

- Its true that my fiancee is somewhat of a homebody but I made it especially clear that I am a social butterly and need to go out for the sake of my sanity. He is expected to take me to do something at least once a week, whether it be the museum or a walk down the street. My fiance would prefer for me to stay at home but I elect to work. He has attempted to bargain with me that I should quit my job but go to school part-time for the sake of being active. He does want a clean house but if it gets messy for a night he doesn't freak. In fact, he will occasionally pitch in and help.

- My fiance doesn't like me dressing revealing outside, but I can wear make up or tight clothing. Inside, he does expect me to dress sexy when we are alone. The only time I have ever put on Hijab is in a mosque when I visited for curiosity. My fiance is fully aware that for me, Hijab is a symbol of subservience and I will not wear it unless I personally desire to, which will be as rare as a blue moon.

- My fiance asked that I no longer associate with men I have dated, all others are fair to be friends with as long as they never think of me sexually.

- My fiance can have bouts where he refers to me as "woman" at which I playfully reply "that's right, your woman, so treat me decently or you'll have to find a new one".

- I was never asked to cook his country's food but I have stocked the house with his favorites simply because it was a nice gesture to him. I am trying to learn because I personally miss kofte and doner something fierce!

- My fiance has already expressed concern that Islam has some moral difficiencies. He is still defensive of it and doesn't like when I criticize it, but he will do so occasionally.

- My fiance adores books but we often watch movies together.

- I worked too hard for my career to hand it over. The same day he told me to give up my dreams is the same day I would serve him with divorce papers.

- My fiance can be superficial and I HATE it. He has made comments about me having a belly. I agree that I would like to lose it but in the same breath I remind him I'm sure he would like to have more hair.

- My fiance is already a bullhead and sulks, but the day he hits me is again, the same day I bury him.

- I smoke cigarettes and I drink occasionally, with him!

- He can't stand being a passenger in the car, it makes him feel emasculated. He even drove 14 hours straight once because he hated the idea of my taking the wheel. But I own my own car and drive myself around town at least three days a week.

- My fiancee has told me to my face that if I cheat he would kill me. I believe him too. But I don't worry about the threat because I am adult enough to first leave the relationship before touching another man. And frankly, I was married for ten years, my husband cheated on me when I was pregnant. I am not entering a relationship again only to suffer the same fate. So I'm happy we both feel so strongly about infidelity.

- As for the last, its common sense that the laws of the country where you are apply to you. I do not need to worry about children though because my fiancee's country doesn't employ Qur'anic law. I and my future children, could leave as we seen fit.

I hope this post serves to prove that there are liberal and conservative experiences. I would think Muslim men fall somewhere on this spectrum between my experience and yours, depending on their level of fundamentalism.

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