To Lou

Submitted by Learning as We Go (United States), Apr 3, 2007 at 18:06

When I met my current beaux, who is Egyptian, he was clear and up front about his faith and beliefs and practices. As a practicing Muslim, he somehow manages to be respectful of the differences between he and I, and likewise, I make every effort to be respectful of those same differences.

I'm Catholic, and pretty happily so, at that, and in the same sense that I try to respect his faith, he makes an effort to respect mine. We've found ourselves deep in theological discussions as we both learn about the other's faith and the impact it has on our lives. Within a week of our first discussion, I picked up a copy of the Koran (Qu'ran) and spend my lunch time or idle time at home with a packet of Post-It flags reading and marking passages that I need explained or would like to talk about. (red means I disagree, Yellow means I'm curious, green means its a statement agree with and would like to discuss)

He's been the very picture of patience with my nearly incessant questioning, comparison, and drilling. Blue flags have been added to my Koran to note statements that he could not personally answer (English being his second language, there will always be a bit of a language barrier) and that will be referred to someone with both the language skills and understanding to accept my cross examination of his faith. Our debates and discussions are lively and spiritual, sprinkled liberally with mutual respect for each other's opinions, even, and sometimes especially when we disagree.

There are some minor adjustments I have made to accomodate some of our cultural differences: We don't go to BBQ joints or other places where there are few options other than pork, We don't drink, We don't have sex (Man where was this guy when I was 16?? My father would have been thrilled!), I politely keep my distance during "That time of the month." He concedes that there is no discussion of marriage until we have both met each other's families, and should that go well, then there will be the requirement of special dispensation from the Church to permit a marriage.

I have to admit, that despite my cross-examination and constant scrutiny, he holds up well. I am enjoying the not having sex as it relieves us of so much pressure and gives us time to get to know each other, to scrutinize and make determinations and decisions for ourselves. I think it helps immensely that he is Sunni, as opposed to Shi'ia (Shi'ite) and takes the penultimate lesson of the Koran to heart.. that God's Will is the will of all things and that in order to live well and be happy, we must let God be God.. sicne he is infinitely better at being God than we are. but for the list of advice:

1. Do not be afraid to ask questions. Be direct, be clear. Especially if his first language is not English, evasive or circumspect questioning will trip him up and frustrate him. Direct, clear honest questions will net you the same kind of answers.

2. Learn learn learn. You know full well that the Church will put him through the wringer if you are to be married in it; it's only respectful to make an effort to learn about his faith. The Koran is not a hard read at all, And I find much of it to be an excellent supplement to the Bible. When you run into things that raise your eyebrows.. ask him about them. His answers will tell you a LOT about the kind of person he is. Also, you might consider picking up a copy of "Islam for Dummies." Silly as it sounds, it's been a great help to my understanding the customs and practices of Muslims, and if nothing else, gives rise to great questions for me to ask about.

3. Hold him to the same standard you would a Christian man. If you don't take bullying, bossing, derogatory remarks, or dominance from a Christian man, don't accept them from him either. You both MUST be clear about your expectations of each other. If he is not clear, or you find yourself at a cultural/religious impasse that you simply cannot surmount, then, as much as it hurts, it's likely that you aren't right for each other.

4. Respect him and you will be respected in kind. It's a natural thing for all people, no matter where they are from or what they believe, to be respectful of those that are respectful of them. Be prepared to make some concessions, and be prepared to ask him for the same.

Remember that Mohammed tells Muslims "Lawful for you are the believing women and the free women from among those who were given the Book before you [Jews and Christians], provided that you give them their dowries and live in honor with them, neither committing fornication nor taking them as mistresses" Koran 5:5.

Allow me to stress the "Live in honor with them" part.

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