Hi Sarah

Submitted by Happily married to a Turk (United States), May 11, 2007 at 08:42

Although my husband has never said to me that it is disgraceful for a muslim man to take money from a woman, I agree with you. My husband, even before he was my husband, insisted on paying for everything, and it always seemed if I suggested that I pay, he felt insulted. After we became seriously involved, and he knew information about my finances, I would find that my rent, electric bills, etc had been paid by him. I would find 500 dollars or so in things like my car, laying inside my pocket book, or even in laundry hamper. When I confronted him about these things, he would tell me that it was his priviledge and honor to take care fo me and my children. Being a woman that always took care of myself, it took me a while to get use to this. I always felt guilty. Now that we are married, and have been for quite a while, he still pays all the bills, and feels any money I make should be used for myself only. If I shop alone, I pay, but if he is there with me, he always pays. He never leaves the house without asking me if I need money. We have 2 checking accounts, ours, and mine. We do however sit down together and pay bills. He opens them, I write the checks, he seals them and adds the stamp, or we pay them 2gether online. It is true that he makes at least 4 times what I make, but still it has taken me a very long time to not feel guilty about the situation. I was previously married to an american christian and it seemed he always felt just the opposite. Every dime I had needed to be spent before he paid anything, and then I had to deal with the grief he felt that his money had to be used for bills. (Not the typical man, just trash!)

Anyway, I am sure this would change if our incomes changed, and he was not able to cover everything, although, i think it would be devistating to him if he felt he was not providing as he should. As I have posted in previous comments, he had his greencard when we married, because he said he never wanted me to think he married me for any reason other than love.

He has said something to me that I will share here. I found it very informing as to his thoughts on women. He said that our marriage works because I am not a typical american woman. When I questioned him about the comment, he said that while we were dating, and still, he didnt feel like I felt I was intitled to the world, and that I didnt put pressure on him to constantly make more and more money. He said I was the only women he had met in the states that tried to take care of him. He was refering to the fact that often cooked dinner, instead of thinking it was automatic that we go out. He praises the fact that on days when he worked late (and there were many) when he got home to his apt, that it meant so much to him to see that I had been there, done laundry, or left a meal warming on the stove, or in the oven. He never made me feel like these things were expected, but he never ever forgot to praise me and tell me how appreciative he was, nor did the say anything bad to me on the days I didnt have time to do for him. It always amazed me that he was this way, I had been used to hearing insults about how dinner wasnt good enough, or how it wasnt what should have been cooked, and last but not least, it doesnt taste like moms.

I do still cook, and so does he. As for religious holidays, he celebrates mine, and I celebrate his. I fast during Ramadan and we always break the fast together. We shop for xmas gifts together, and visit my family as always. My mom always cooks a turkey and ham on holidays that were previously just pork based like "the easter ham". He has never tried to convert me, nor I him.

I think the biggest factor in finding someone that is compatible, is actually just being yourself. I see so many women, and men, who put on a show for someone. They make them think they are something they are not, and the pow, when the ceremony is over.

My husband comes from a well educated family. The only problem we have when visiting turkey is how to divide our time between his mother and father since they are divorced and absolutely cant stand each other. His parents accept my children as their grandchildren. There has never been any upset about that. His mother, who speaks turkish, german and french fluently, went out of her way to learn english so we could talk without a translator.

Having said this, I do realize there are men and women out there running a scam for a greencard. I think if you search your heart, listen, and pay attention to the signs, you will be able to identify them.

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